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Why it's OK not to like parties

11/4/2014

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Here's a quick test to figure out whether you're an introvert or extravert: imagine it's your birthday. You're in your favorite restaurant and you see the wait staff headed your way with a cake, clapping and singing. Do you

a) feel thrilled. Yay! It's my day and now everyone in the restaurant knows it.
b) look for the nearest exit. Oh no! It's my day and now everyone in the restaurant knows it.

If you answered b), you're probably an introvert. In her book, "Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking," Susan Cain demonstrates why it is perfectly fine to be introvert. In fact, it's better than fine.

"Quiet" is a long overdue validation of Introversion as a legitimate and valuable way to move through the world. Susan Cain clearly and compassionately defines and describes introversion. She puts into context the struggles of introverts living in a culture that is strongly geared toward extroversion (group projects in school; open-floor office plans, anyone?). She also describes the ways in which introverts can maximize their gifts and extroverts can support them.

The most valuable take-away is that we all -- introverts and extroverts -- need to be aware of how we operate. If you are rejuvenated by being around others or taking risks, be sure your life's work and most of your days include these. On the other hand, if you recharge your batteries by being alone or working through a problem independently, honor that and make sure others support you. Trying to make yourself into the opposite will wear you out and you won't be your most effective self. What a waste!

If you are an introvert or love an introvert -- especially if you're raising an introvert -- you need to give this a read. At the very least, find her TED talk on the internet and watch that. It will change how you think about those who are Quiet.

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THAT's what you meant? Translating the Languages of Love

11/3/2014

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Gary Chapman's "The Five Love Languages:  How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate" has been around for more than 12 years but it's still relevant. So relevant, in fact, that I recommend it to almost every couple I see and to a lot of families and individuals as well.

Chapman operates off two simple premises: 1. We all need to feel loved and 2. There are different ways to demonstrate love and we all have a preference for one.

Essentially, Chapman is saying that we all have a language for love. Just like my "bonjour" could be your "hello," I might hear love when you compliment my intelligence and you hear love when I give you a gift. It's a simple concept but one that most of us don't stop to consider.

The ramifications are huge. How many times has your partner, boss, child, parent, or friend been stunned to hear that you don't feel valued by them? They insist they've been working their guts out to show you how much they care. "How could you not see it?!" they say, indignant? You're shocked. How could they possible think that doing the dishes showed that they adored you? That's love languages at work. Because if they don't "speak your language" (demonstrate love in the way that makes your heart sing), their efforts, no matter how well intentioned, will fall short.

The book is an easy and quick read. Chapman also has a website (http://www.5lovelanguages.com/)where you can take the Love Languages quiz to discover which Language is yours.  There's even a quiz tailored to kids. I completed it with my children and they loved it.

A final note: I have heard this book referenced in the context of faith several times, but it is by no means limited to people of any particular faith or faith at all.


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    Michelle Pruett, LPC

    Owner of Pruett Counseling and Consulting

    Therapist

    Mom

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